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Rummer, the Rumrunner

from Sloppy Seconds by Misbehavin' Maidens

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lyrics

Well I’ll tell you a story, a tale of great deeds
About a young pirate who sailed on the seas
He robbed from the rich, and he gave to himself
But in the books he never ranked high on the shelf

For he’s Rummer, the Rum Runner,
The best pirate in all of the seas
It’s a bummer he ain’t getting younger
Seems life was his only disease

When he went out sailing one thing was for sure
Trouble was always a-plenty in store
For Rummer he never backed down from a fight
At the edge of a sword, or a bar wench at night

And he’s Rummer, the Rum Runner,
The best pirate in all of the seas
It’s a bummer he ain’t getting younger
Seems life was his only disease
...and scurvy

He met up with a maiden who said she was pure
For five copper farthings and Rummer said sure
And when he was done on his face he looked pleased
But from then after that, it burns when he pees

For he’s Rummer, the Rum Runner,
The best pirate in all of the seas
It’s a bummer he ain’t getting younger
Seems life was his only disease
...and scurvy and syphilis

Now poor Rummer upset from the burn
Went to the hospital and waited his turn
And while he was there he was prodded and stuck
Then the doctor looked up and said ‘My boy, you’re….in trouble’

And he’s Rummer, the Rum Runner,
The best pirate in all of the seas
It’s a bummer he ain’t getting younger
Seems life was his only disease
...and scurvy and syphilis and tetanus

Now our dear captain, amused then ashamed
Went on a quest for his pride to reclaim
He went on a bender the likes none had seen
And when he was done, all knew where he’d been

For he’s Rummer, the Rum Runner,
The best pirate in all of the seas
It’s a bummer he ain’t getting younger
Seems life was his only disease
...and scurvy and syphilis and tetanus and cirrhosis of the liver

Well this is the end, there isn’t much more
For after the bender our captain was poor
He met up with that maiden, who said ‘This time it’s free!’
And that was the end of his lecherous spree

And he’s Rummer, the Rum Runner,
The best pirate in all of the seas
It’s a bummer he ain’t getting younger
Seems life was his only disease
...and scurvy and syphilis and tetanus
Cirrhosis, the clap and chlamydia
The herpes, the drip
The hepatitis A, B and C
And the dysentery!

It’s a bummer he ain’t getting younger
Seems life was his only disease

credits

from Sloppy Seconds, released April 11, 2017
Music and Lyrics: The Brigands
Recorded with permission.

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Misbehavin' Maidens Silver Spring, Maryland

"Funny, filthy, feminist, fandom folk" band comprised of four folks from the Washington, DC / Baltimore area with a love of sex-positive music, parodies, drinking & fandom references for 18+ geeks.

As of July 2023 we are no longer performing, but our music lives on. ... more

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